August 4:
When I was a little girl, time moved so slowly. Being grounded to my room for a half an hour was never-ending torture (worse, if I had to stay in mom's room with no toys, and nothing to do but watch that little hand go round and round and round). 2 weeks was almost longer than I could remember. Now, time flies. I never cease to be surprised at how fleeting it all is. Eva is 3 and a half months old already. I love her more every day. She loves to play the stand game and would rather lock her knees and try to stay upright, than be in any other position. She is a happy, alert little person. She wakes up smiling every morning, and that alone blows my mind. She is rarely far from my arms. I have gone out without her 4 times� Twice, I left her with Ken for the day, and twice, Ken's Dad babysat. She grabs at things now- she knows how to bap at the mirror on her little chair to make the music start. She doesn't so much cry anymore, as make these approximations of speech to tell us what she wants. Her only real unhappinesses are the moments she spends in the car seat- especially when she's sleepy, or it's dark out. During the day, she stares out the car window as the world passes by. She loves it when I sing. It makes her laugh, and she makes noises that sound like she's singing along. How do other parents send their children to daycare? Don't they miss this? Would Eva love someone else as much as she loves me? Would she respond as much? And if not, how sad. I don't want to put her into daycare. It's been really frustrating lately though- I need to get more work in and it takes all my effort to work, be here for her, pump excess breast milk, and try to maintain a life for myself. I get so many ideas for things I want to paint or draw too, and it's so frustrating to not be able to paint or draw. I wish I could put her down sometimes, but then�. Someday, I will miss every single second of this time. And time passes so fast.

I wish we could move to Italy�. Maybe not Italy, but this is a fantasy, so why not Italy. I have never been there, but I imagine that Ken's entire company ups and moves to just outside of Florence. Everything is beautiful. The area is quaint, and yet has easy access to DSL and several cool coffee shops. Ken and I buy a little villa with some land. Lilu can run every day, for as long as she wants, but she always comes back to lie in the shade next to me and Eva. In the mornings, Eva and I walk the mile or 2 into town for coffee. Along the way, we pick up Andrea and maybe some of the other Planet Moon wives. We grab our laundry or whatever, and make our way into town. We all bring our kids, and they all get to grow up together. I sketch at the local caf�, and after a little while, I become known there, and people drop by to have their portraits done. I trade some portraits of her grandchildren to a little woman that lives in town. She used to live in England as an art historian for some museum I've never heard of but decide to go to visit in the summer. She gives me Italian lessons in exchange. I do portraits of the local butcher, baker, fishmonger, and milliner. People know my face and wave as I walk by. Everyone knows Eva and everyone loves her. The sun is always shining and everything is like some fantastic dream.

August 13

Ken is off to work for the day, even though today is Sunday. I guess it's a good thing if I look at the whole picture. With him gone, I will probably get more house cleaning done, and that's what I have to do today. Yesterday, we went to Milo's one-year birthday party. Milo is Ken's boss, Bob's son. It was a great party. There were a ton of babies and toddlers there, and plenty of adults and food and good cheer and all that. Milo is really impressive for a one year old. He could really scoot around and seemed older somehow, than the other one year olds we've known this year. Another guy that Ken works with, Shawn (and his wife) just had their first child, Blake, 2 weeks ago. He was pretty amazing too. He still has that squished up newborn look, but he could hold his own head up and move it around. He's long and skinny, just like Eva was at that age. She's chubbier now. We had several people at that party come up to us and comment on big she was for a 4 month old. I don't know how that works. I found myself a little annoyed, which was surprising. We are always having people tell us that she seems small for her age. I guess it's hard to judge a baby and every baby is different. There was a 5 month old girl named Jane there, that was a lot bigger than Eva and everyone commented on how big she was- but even thought she was bigger, she wasn't fat or anything- she was just an all around bigger baby.

We went to see the movie "Hollow Man" with Trevor on Friday night. The movie was terrible, although the special effects were stunning. We left Eva with Ken's Dad, and she cried herself to sleep while we were gone. I don't think we're going to ask anyone to do anymore babysitting for awhile, at least until I can figure out how to get her to eat from anyone else but me. Before the movie, we hung out at Trevor's flat for a little while. It's a gorgeous place. Trevor was rooting through old photos, and he showed us some of them. Of course, that made me think about my own box of photos. Ken and I went to a cocktail party in Oakland last night, and I wasn't able to find any time to look at my own old photos until after we got home last night. Most of Trevor's photos are random shots of the people he's spent most of his '20s with. I have very few pictures of me in my 20s. Most of the shots I keep for the memories are the people I loved back in high school. I hated living in Birmingham, but it's bizarre how I miss the place. It's the background almost all of my dreams take place in. Driving around, sometimes I get the strangest feeling, like time is just an overlay, and all the things I'm driving past are things I've driven past a dozen times before somewhere else, in another time and place. Trevor doesn't look that different in his old photos. Sometimes heavier, sometimes lighter, a few unfortunate haircuts along the way, a surprising number of nude photographs of a number of very beautiful ex-girlfriends. Trevor has spent a fair amount of his 20s partying� a lot of photos of happy, drunken people. I guess a lot of people get lost, looking for something more. Trevor got lost in the party for awhile. Ken got lost in fantasy. My photos are from another life. I got lost looking for my faith, for some meaning to my life. I look so arrogant in some of those old photos! Was I as arrogant as I looked? Am I still? I stopped taking pictures of the people in my life when we moved to Pennsylvania. The people I met there just didn't seem like people I would want to remember later on in life. I didn't really connect with anyone. By the time I got to California, I'd gotten out of the habit of recording my life that way�. Or maybe I didn't have a camera� or maybe I couldn't afford film. Why do I have a million pictures of my best friends from high school, but none of any of the guys I dated in my 20s?

August 17

Eva will be 4 months old on Monday. Here's where I am. She is sitting in my lap, goo-ing and gunh-ing. Already, my body is forgetting the way it felt to be pregnant. If I could hold that awe, the wonder of her coming out of me� but I don't think I can. Maybe I shouldn't. She came out of me into herself, and she's already fully her own person. On the other hand, now I am more afraid for her than I was before. I wandered into the living room as Ken was watching "Train Spotting". There's a scene where these junkies forget to take care of their baby�. When they finally figure it out, she's been obviously dead in her crib for a long time. It's like one of those nightmares where you suddenly realize that you never finished some class in high school, and even though it's been over a decade, you have to try to rush back across the country to make up the final�. Only this is far worse because imagine forgetting to feed or care for your baby� and then suddenly remembering her, and running to get her, but she's been dead for months and months, and you weren't there when she needed you. I can't get it out of my head. I read some stupid thing today - some statistic that said that one in three women in America has been the victim of rape or sexual violence. It scares me that someday, someone may hurt her, and there's nothing I can do about it. They may have caught a guy around here that has been kidnapping 8 and 9 year old girls, doing terrible things to them, and killing them. One girl escaped and they were able to trace him through her. She didn't escape unscathed. A little girl went missing about a year ago that may be tied to him, and they've never found a trace of her. I know it's out there�. I know it's out there and there's nothing I can do about it.

August 25
Ken's 29th birthday is tomorrow. I've chartered a plan to fly us on a tour of San Francisco. To get to the plane, we have to drive to Napa. He knows I have something up my sleeve, but he doesn't know what. I also have a big birthday party planned for Sunday afternoon. Including babies, over 50 people rsvp'd which is a little daunting, but we'll see. I was planning on making cupcakes. I am envisioning trying to make 50 cupcakes�it's kind of silly. I mentioned that there might be cupcakes involved in the invite and it's become like some sort of goal I've set for myself. Cupcakes are the first thing I ever remember making in the kitchen with mom. I must have been about 3 or 4. She let me put the paper cups into the muffin pan. I loved holding the delicate, frilled paper edges. I think mom even let me help put the pan into the oven. I remember being SO proud, feeling like SUCH a big girl. Making cupcakes still make me feel a little bit like that... All grown up, but in a magical way.

I've been stabbing at cleaning the house all week, in little pieces. Usually in the morning, while Eva is napping, I can get one thing done. Ken mopped the kitchen floor, which was a big help. I've gotten through laundry, cleaning the carpets (though they need it again) giving Lilu a bath (3 times now, due to a pee incident yesterday, and a playing in mud thing that happened with the dog walker today)� I am really looking forward to this party. I've been looking forward to this birthday in general� The plane thing has me a little nervous, although I don't know why. Ken and I have talked about what would happen to Eva if anything happened to us. Geez, I haven't even filled out her birth certificate yet. If anything ever happened to us, we would want Jim to take care of her and raise her. After all, he is her godfather. I worry because that would be such a huge burden for him to take on� but I wouldn't want my parents to raise her. They've already raised their kids, and as much as I marvel at all the amazing things they did for me as a child, they don't want to be parents anymore, and it just wouldn't work. And Ken's parents don't spend enough time in the same house� I thought about putting something in our will that had her living half and half. Both of our parents have so much to offer her. My mom would give her total unconditional love�no strings attached or expectations. Ken's dad would also give her unconditional love, and see to it that she never wanted for anything� But after talking, we decided that Jim could give her a life she wouldn't get with her grandparents. He's young like us, and they could grow together.

Anyway, I hope it will never come to that. We are pretty happy to be her parents all by ourselves. We went to the doctors on Monday for her 4-month checkup. She's over 13 pounds (yeay) and Dr. Gallagher said we have a perfect baby. Of course. She cried when she got her shots, and it was such a sad sound, it was all I could do not to burst into tears myself. Luckily, she forgave us in about 10 seconds. There are going to be pains and sorrows out there though, that are bigger and more painful than a needle or three�and I won't be able to spare her them either� how will my heart ever stand seeing her hurt?

A note about Dr. Gallagher: I think she's wonderful. When I was pregnant, I went to a round table on vaccinations and she was one of the speakers. She was the only traditional doctor on the panel, and the event was fairly anti-establishment (a lot of homebirth parents and midwives and natural lifestyles types). I was SO impressed with how she presented the information and herself, that I got her card and set up an interview the next week. We met with 2 different doctors, both excellent. But I knew she was the one for us. She made a house call for our first appointment, when Eva was only 3 days old, and I wasn't even getting up and walking around yet. It was kind of magical. She seemed SO excited about Eva and I thought "WOW, she must really love her job" which is true� but we also found out later that she was 3 months pregnant, and had just found out. She runs a clinic in the Mission, but it just ran out of funding and is going to have to close down. She is taking her maternity leave fairly soon, but plans on finding a new practice and being back at work 2 months or so after her baby is born. She has one other child by marriage, but this is her first pregnancy. I just feel connected to her, and hope that we can continue to see her for years. She gave us several options for other doctors to see while she's out, and to stay with if we choose. I told her "We love you, we'd like to stay with you, if that's possible".

We talked to Dr. Gallagher about this thing with Eva refusing to take the bottle. She suggested trying rice cereal, mixed with breast milk. Normally, she recommends starting that in the 4-6 month range, and tries to steer parents towards waiting as long as possible, but she said that our generation was eating rice cereal at 2 weeks, so it just depends on what you are comfortable with. The main thing is that Eva is strong enough to hold herself upright.

When I left Eva and Ken on Wednesday, I told him he should get some rice cereal, and just try it. He went out and bought a box of Rice Crispies. Some things that seem obvious to me are not always as clear as I think they are.

"You did WHAT?" I asked when I got home. I thought he was joking.

"Was that wrong?" he asked, "It was in the cereal section. It IS rice cereal, and look, it says right here, fortified with iron and minerals, isn't that the same thing?"

Luckily, I got home early on Wednesday, and walked in the door about 5 minutes before he started trying to mush up rice crispies into breast milk. Ken kills me. I spent the rest of Wednesday murmuring "rice crispies" to myself, and cracking up.

Ken's cousin Gail and her fianc� were in town this week, so we took them out to dinner last night. We went to the Zodiac Club. It's a shu-shu yuppie place, but the food is always amazing, and the d�cor is fun. Gail's fianc�'s name is Justin. He's a police officer. He seems like a really nice guy, really friendly and charming. They make a great couple. You can look at them and see them growing old and happy together. After dinner, we wandered around the Castro for awhile, and then had desert at Sweet Inspirations. I think that was the hit of the evening for Justin, judging by the huge smile on his face, and the way his eyes lit up when he saw the glass cases full of every kind of delicious cake and pie and tart and cookie. Ken says I shouldn't call it a bakery because they don't bake bread there� and it's true, they don't� but they DO bake the best cakes in town if you ask me.

Tonight, we had Bill and Myrna over for dinner. I thought about cooking something special, but then flaked and ended up ordering in Indian food. It was good, and anyway, I don't know how to cook Indian food. We are hoping to set up some kind of baby sitting swap kind of deal. If it works out, I would take Cooper (their 2 year old son) for 4 hours in the morning, while Myrna teaches a morning high school class. Then, in the afternoon, Myrna would take Eva for 4 hours, giving me some uninterrupted time all to myself to focus on work. It would be like a godsend if this worked out. I am a little worried though. I think Cooper will be fine here. It'll take me a little while to get used to the flow of a 2 year old, but he seems like a nice, very well behaved little boy, and anyway, I like that age. I'm more worried about how Myrna will manage Eva, plus Cooper, and Ellis, her 2 and a half month old boy. That seems a little overwhelming to me and I don't think I could do it, but we'll see. Myrna is a powerhouse and if anyone could do it, it's her. Maybe she can take Eva for 2 hours, and I can pop over to feed her, and then pop over again 2 hours later. The nice thing is that they only live a bock or so away. My thoughts are if this works great, if not, nothing lost. It would be like a gift falling out of the sky if it does work though. Especially the way it came about. I was outside with Lilu, playing with Kiwi, one of the dogs from next door, when Myrna and Bill drove by. They stopped the car and said they'd been looking for me, but didn't know which house was mine. They'd decided to just drive around the general area, and if Myrna could pick out the house, they'd stop by, if not, then it wasn't meant to be� and there I was, outside, playing with the dogs. I'd invited Myrna over for my baby shower months ago, and that's the only time she's ever been here. Whoever was taking care of Cooper before fell through, and they were trying to figure out what to do next, when Myrna thought of me, and that's the whole deal. I really hope this works. It would be like someone heard about my fantasy of a nanny that could come for a few hours in the middle of the day. The whole thing makes me feel like I have an angel sitting on my shoulder, and every once in awhile, she makes my wishes come true.

I also called all the couples from our baby class today, to set up a reunion. I accidentally set a date for the weekend of the Folsom St. Fair, and Ken is a little upset with me. He's been looking forward to going this year. I haven't heard back from anyone yet, so maybe I can change the day. I did hear back from Jane Austin- the woman that ran the class. Her baby is due a week after the date I set for the reunion. She's such a great person. That class was so helpful to us too. It's funny that she's also pregnant. I swear it's like this huge wave of fertility that is sweeping through our lives. It makes me feel- I don't know� young, old, powerful, vital� like I am really doing something important� everyday, just being me. Life seems to mean more now than it ever has before.