October 2,
Things are progressing. I have been fighting demons lately, but I think I am winning. Depression is just so easy to fall into, and so hard to crawl back out of. To dwell on the misery, is to dwell IN misery- and that is not how I intend to spend my time. It's hard because Ken doesn't understand this� He doesn't get these slow and heavy sadnesses.

My period came back this last week. I was happy to have it back. I think that might have had something to do with my recent bout of unhappiness, but I still welcome the return of my cycles. I like to have anchorpoints in my life. I like knowing that my moods are going to be swayed in this or that particular direction, and to be able to prepare for it. The cramps felt like the beginning of labor all over again. I guess my body still needs to do a little internal healing.

The exercise program that Ken and I started is going well. In this first month, I have lost 7 pounds, and roughly 4 inches off of various parts of my body. I've also noticed that I am getting stronger. It feels good.

Eva is spending her first day at Myrna's. We are officially starting the babysitting swap thing. Cooper showed up this morning at 7am. We had fun. I did some house cleaning, we had breakfast, we played with Eva a little bit, and then we went shopping for fabric to make him his own "magic box" to keep his things in when he comes here- things like extra clothes and toys and drawings and stuff. He chose a metallic sparkly blue and I got some translucent black material with golden stars printed on it, to swathe around the top of the box. I think it's going to look pretty swanky when I'm done�. Which will hopefully be tomorrow sometime. I got a lot of work done while Eva was away today. I have to go pick her up in about a half hour.

Mark and Erin took the cats away over the weekend, so the house is really quiet. Lilu will have me back to herself again for a few more moments a week anyway. I'm going to miss the cats. The house is definitely more empty without them. Lilu was sniffing all over, looking for them. I know she misses them already. I think it's better that we gave them a new home, for Ken's sake. He didn't want them anymore. He doesn't want Lilu either, but it was hard enough giving the cats up- I could never give Lilu to someone else. On the other hand, with the cats gone, it's going to be easier to clean things up and have them stay clean. I feel like going on a mega cleaning spree and moving every object in the house, dusting or washing it, washing the surface it was on, in, or next to, and possibly painting everything too, and then putting it all back. I just want a breath of fresh air everywhere.

Ken sent me a thing he found online about where our baby should be at this point. It's funny, because it really nails where Eva is:

"By now, your baby's physical developments are coming fast and furiously. If you place her on her stomach, she'll extend her arms and legs and arch her back, and when on her back, she'll lift her head and shoulders. She may even sit momentarily without assistance. Lifting her head and chest to see toys or your face helps strengthen her neck muscles and develops the head control necessary for sitting up. If you support her under the arms while letting her balance her feet on your thighs, she'll bounce up and down. She's capable of easily bringing an object to her mouth for oral exploration. "

Eva can roll over and over and over, but only in one direction- to her left. She likes doing it. I put her on the ground a lot more now, and she like to play there.

"Repeating her favorite vocalizations She's adding new sounds to her language repertoire. At this age, it's common for babies to become so enthralled by one of their newfound abilities that they get stuck on it for a while. Most babies master one skill before moving to the next."

Eva has three sounds she does over and over. One is a grunting noise that is embarrassing, and loud, but also cute. Another is a high-pitched scream with her mouth in an "O" position- I HATE that one, but she thinks it's funny. The third sounds kind of like making the "H" sound over and over "Hea, Hea, Hea" mostly breathy. I love this one and when I make it to her, she beams me with the most charming smile ever, like I have just figured out the rules to a game that she's invented.

"Your baby's ability to interact with you, others, and her surroundings is growing daily. At this stage, she may start playing little games as she begins to understand that simple actions have results. She may drop objects just to watch you pick them up, or to see how and where they fall. Tiring as it sounds, you'd better get used to it. In a few weeks, this will be accompanied by fits of giggles.

Your baby now realizes where sounds come from, and she'll turn quickly toward a new one. Your baby may watch your mouth intently when you speak now, and try to imitate inflections and utter consonant sounds such as "m" and "b." Many 5-month-olds can recognize their own name. You may notice that your little one turns her head when you call her or talk about her with others.

By 5 months your baby shows a strong attachment to you by raising her arms when she wants to be picked up and crying when you leave the room. She may also give you hugs and kisses. And she's beginning to get the joke - she'll laugh at funny expressions or positions and try to make you laugh, too."

Eva does all of this. She really likes grabbing at people's faces- facial hair and glasses are fair game for little clutching fingers. She also loves lunging at chins and noses and sucking loudly. She got Brandon the other day, and left two slimy trails of drool dangling from his nose to her big, goofy, toothless grin.

I love her more and more every day.

Later-
Eva's just dropped off to sleep. Have I mentioned that she shows a preference for violins? It's amazing. Since as long as I can remember- even in the womb, she seemed to like certain classical music- with violins.

I know Ken doesn't believe in the spirit. It leaves me sometimes feeling clear but misunderstood, and sometimes feeling stupid and simple- but I do. I have faith that we are all possessed of something stronger within us than just flesh and bone. I wonder sometimes if I had the baby I was meant to have. Not that I believe in fate or destiny or any of that� I mean I'm a pretty strong believer in the idea that we make our own fate- there is no great cosmic force of good vs. evil- only random force. I think that I have a spirit, an energy that flows out and is connected to all energy everywhere, and it's me and beyond me at the same time. I think when we die, whatever was "Me" in terms of all those small human markers we use to identify one another- all that will pass, but the spirit in it's truest, purest form, will ebb and flow and merge and continue. All energy calls to itself�something like that. I find it very comforting. This idea of my sense of timing and all the emphasis I placed on THIS baby, in the exact time- the when of Eva was so important to me� and it goes against what I am comfortable believing in but sometimes I wonder if I was falling in with some larger flow to have the one and only child I was meant to have. She was so very planned� and we got pregnant within 3 days of trying- possibly immediately even. Eva is so much of all the things that Ken would talk about when he daydreamed of our child� but can you really have the child you were "meant " to have? There are so many unwanted children born every year, so many people that are born, live and die not wanted or unloved, or as afterthoughts- How can any life be more meant than any other? That's where I get lost- if we live in a world where all things are possible, and all courses of action are available if you have the vision and energy to make them happen, than there can be no one thing that is meant to be- whether it's a perfect ice tea, or kiss, or child� it's got to be more a matter of just appreciating the moments as they come and being grateful for the beauty and harmony that comes with some of them� as well as accepting the discord and frustration and bitterness that also sometimes comes with them.

New Years before last, Ken and I spent in New Mexico. We were driving and got into a fantastically huge fight. He was telling me at that time that maybe we weren't ready to have a child in the year 2000- that maybe we should wait another year or two� but that was totally unacceptable to me. It wasn't that I felt I needed to have a child� but if I was ever going to have a child, it needed to be born in the year 2000, or I didn't want a child at all, and this was a huge fork in my life- all decisions would forever go on down one path or another. This child, or no child. I wanted to conceive in August so that I could have a Taurus baby- I was aiming for May. We both thought the other was being illogical and totally unreasonable. You can't play the game of what would have happened if� it's just impossible. I am forever changed by having had Eva.

Sometimes I look at her to find that she's been watching me. As soon as I look, she gives me this fantastic smile and it feels like she's just been waiting for me to notice, to tell me something wonderful. And that smile is what she's been trying to tell me. Whatever that smile means, it feels my heart with light, and I feel like it must fill me up and come shining back out, right back to her. When I smile back with my own delight and wonder, her first smile gets even bigger and I think "this is what she was waiting for" and we sit there, giggling like idiots. It's so amazing. Words cannot describe how wonderful she is to me.

October 29:
It turned out to be 2 teeth! Her bottom 2! Now she chews on everything! Eva officially turned 6 months old last week. We didn't do anything to celebrate it. Ken is in crunch mode and will be for another 2 weeks. We didn't carve a pumpkin, but we DO have tons of costumes for Eva and I went out and got lots and lots of candy to give out to trick or treaters. This year, we're just going to stay home. Brandon had a "spy" party, and we dressed Eva in her "Satan" baby bunting for that- we came as her minions. I went out and splurged on a new leather suit that went very well with some particularly evil boots that Ken bought me a few years ago. Now I finally have the outfit to go with them. Another friend, Romi, had a Halloween party in the Oakland hills last night. We dressed Eva in her "ear of corn" outfit for that. It was a great party- lots of people and noise and music and strobe lights flashing everywhere- too much for Eva to take in. We were there for about 10 minutes, and she just started freaking out. She wasn't crying, but she was twitchy and just looked insecure. Luckily, Romi had a "quiet room" all set up, and we spent the rest of the evening hanging out in there. It took me another 15 min or so to calm Eva down. I think strobes are bad for babies. Anyway, I'm going to go out of my way to keep Eva away from them for a while.

Ken and I are still doing the body for life thing. I made my goal of losing 10 pounds 2 weeks go- roughly half way through the program. But then we stopped doing the aerobics part for the most part, for the last 2 weeks, and I stopped losing weight. It's just been so hard to get up at 5 in the morning to get the walk in and a shower, in time to be up and ready for Cooper. We'll get the hang of it, it's just going to take awhile.

Having Cooper in the mornings has been really fun. He's so smart and curious and he remembers everything. Myrna is trying to potty train him and he's getting the hang of it, although he hasn't gone here, so far. He will. I promised him some chocolate if he does. Cooper is really into the concept of chocolate.

Eva can almost sit up all by herself now. If I hold her thighs, she can pull herself up the rest of the way, but otherwise, she pulls herself halfway, and then pulls her legs up the other half and can't quite manage it. Once sitting up though, she can sit by herself for a while. One day, I sat next to her and held myself back and just let her fall over and bonk her head by herself. She did it three times, screaming for a second each time. After that, she knew to soften her own fall, and she falls sideways more gracefully now. We went to a restaurant yesterday, and for the first time, I was able to put her in one of those wooden booster/high chair things, and she could sit up in it without slumping over. She only stayed in it for a few minutes, and then got bored and we took her back out and held her again, but the point is that she can do it now. She still rolls all over the floor, and can get herself mostly anywhere she wants to go (as long as it's still on the floor), but now she's also started doing this pre-crawl scooting thing. She gets up on her hands and knees and scoots forward with her legs together, and then moves her hands forward. She's doing this more and more. As soon as she figures out that she can get more out of moving each leg one at a time, she'll have it, and then there will be no stopping her. Already, she is a fantastic terror and I have to watch her constantly� she is trying to knock over the fireplace screen as I am writing this. I have it jammed in between a chair and the huge mirror so that she can't� or at least so far. She also loves that mirror. She rolls over to the mirror and leans up and giggles, and licks her own image. Takes after her father there. Eva also uses her feet a lot to grab at things and push with. She loves rolling herself into a place where she can use her feet to push off of a wall or something like that. She never stops amazing me. She makes more noises now� lots of random "mamamama" and "bababababa" among other, less typeable sounds.