September 2000
  

September 4
Ken's birthday turned out really well. He LOVED the plane ride, and took a TON of pictures. We flew over the downtown area, and saw everything�although the avenues were shrouded in fog. It was incredible, seeing the fog from above. As Ken pointed out, from down here, it just seems to appear over the edge of things, slipping in as they say, and curling around. From above, it goes on forever, over the ocean, for as far as you can see� a rolling tumultuous mass of boiling clouds and trailing vapors. It was breathtaking.

While we were in the plane, we left Eva with Ken's parents. We left the rice cereal and some breast milk with them and they fed her. Now it's done, her first real food. She ate A LOT. Since then, Ken has fed her cereal on one other day. I guess she'll get it on Wednesdays and when we go out. I'm not really ready for her to eat real food yet, but I guess it's time. Lately, she's been grabbing for plates, coffee cups, and always- napkins. She has rumbling going on under the gums in her mouth too. I've come to love breastfeeding her, and I don't want to give it up yet.

I just adore her all the time. She smiles and makes all sorts of noises now� she's making up little games and playing them. She has the cutest little giggle� she likes to be surprised. She rolls over to her side easily now, and did it a lot today. She stays on her stomach for longer periods before fussing� she holds her torso up with her hands, but hasn't figured out how to get her legs underneath her, or how to move, although she has scooted herself across small spaces by sheer force of will several times.

She has been gaining a lot of weight lately� not so much in terms of getting heavier, but in the way she looks. Her head is one big round ball with bulgy bits where the cheeks poke out. Her legs and arms almost more chubby than they have skin for. I know, babies are supposed to be chubby, but she was so lean before that I worry a little bit. She has A LOT more energy these days. She likes to bounce up and down, and kicks all the time. When she's on her back, she can (and does) reach up and grab things. I think we're going to take the mobile over her changing table down soon, now that she can reach out and grab all the stars. She's getting more and more stable with the standing game. I usually support her pelvis, or put my arms under her armpits for balance, or just hold my fingers out for her to grab a hold of. She's getting the hang of it.

She reaches her arms up and out to me when she want to be picked up now. I'll wait another month or so, but I think she's nearly ready to start playing around with sign language.

A little bunting in the shape of an ear of corn came in the mail this week- she looks so cute in it. She's also been growing out of a whole set of clothes. I have to remember to take pictures of her in all the outfits that I love, before she grows out of them. Her hands seem so much bigger and stronger. When she's feeding, she reaches out to my hand or my breast and gently runs her palm across the surface, back and forth. It's not unlike the motion I make with my hand across her forehead, when I want her to feel safe and secure and calm. I fall in love with her all over again every time she does this.

Ken and I have started an exercise program this week. It's a 12 week thing. We'll see how it goes. So far, I am really enjoying the minor aches and pains and overall sense of accomplishment. I'm also enjoying working on this together with ken. I don't know if I can do this all on my own.

September 1

September 3

August 31

September 9, 2000
Well, this new exercise thing seems to be working. I set myself the goal of losing 10 pounds in 12 weeks. I thought that seemed reasonable. In the last 4 months, I've lost 10 pounds. The depressing thing was that in the last month, I had actually gained a pound. Anyway, I lost 4 pounds this week, and a half-inch off of my waist. I'm feeling really good about that. Ken wakes us up each morning at 7am and we exercise. I know that if it wasn't for him, I would have quit at least 4 times over already. I know we've hardly started, but already, I feel stronger (well, and a little bit sore everywhere in my body).

Eva seems to be settling into some nap habits in the day. She wakes up, plays for about 10-20 minutes in the morning, then feeds and settles back down for a nap for anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. I'm trying to feed her in the bed in her room, and get her used to sleeping there in the day� especially now that she's rolling around. It's a futon on the floor, and she's already rolled off of it twice. Since it's on the floor though, it's fine. Moira and Koichi gave us a baby monitor thing that we never used... till now. Moira told me that it would be a lifesaver, and now I see how right she was. It's wonderful. She's been such a great friend to us, I am so grateful.

Myrna and I have tried swapping kids twice now. The first time was for a half hour. I left Eva with Myrna while Cooper and I walked to the falafel store. It went well. Myrna gave Cooper some change to give the man for 2 falafel. When we got there, I asked Cooper,

"Cooper, tell the man what you want"�and Cooper did. He pointed to the candy and then to the sesame cookies.

"Cooper, what about your Mom?" I asked him.

"2 cookies" he told the man, and held up 2 fingers. One cookie for him, one for his mom.

The man at the deli absolutely LOVES Cooper. He gave Cooper 2 candies, which Cooper immediately stuffed in his mouth. Myrna told me later that She doesn't let him give the candies to Cooper and they BOTH know it, so I got taken advantage of a little bit, but it was very cute. The man gave Cooper the sesame cookies and the falafel too, and refused to let me pay for anything, although he did take the coins that Cooper handed over. I really love Cooper, he's adorable. He's a typical 2 year old though, always asking me a lot of questions about everything, and testing the waters with me to see where the boundaries are. While we were gone, Myrna put Eva and Ellis on the floor with some toys and they played the whole time.

Last Monday, we tried again, for a longer period. I left Eva with Myrna, and Cooper and I walked first to the market, and then to my house. Cooper wanted to know what everyone was saying, but it's a Chinese market and so many people were speaking mandarin, so I had to tell him I didn't really know. He was fascinated with the glass tanks full of fish, swimming around.. He didn't like the catfish at all, but we stayed at the rainbow trout tank for a long time.

Finally I was able to talk him into leaving. We bought the things I needed, and we came home. I found a recipe for edible play dough. It's basically peanut butter, dried milk, oatmeal, and a little bit of honey. I thought it would be fun to make and play with play dough that you can eat. Here is the part where I learn a valuable lesson about 2 year olds. Cooper LOVED the idea, but he didn't quite grasp the whole "play with" part. He grabbed great big handfuls of the peanut butter and stuffed them into his mouth as fast as he could.

"Cooper, do you LIKE peanut butter?"

"I like it" he told me, staring at me with big serious eyes, and peanut butter spread from his forehead to his chin.

I made a dog, and a motorcycle (he loves motorcycles) out of the dough. Cooper squished it around and around in the bowl, watching the way it squooshed through his fingers. I got out the ice cream ladle, and he used it as a shovel, scooping up dough and moving it from one bowl to another. He helped me scoop most of it into Tupperware containers to bring home. Right before I cleaned him up, I got out the camera and took a few quick shots of him covered in peanut butter.

When we were walking back from the market, Cooper had said, "I don't like Lilu".

"You don't have to see Lilu if you don't want to" I told him, but this was obviously something that was one his mind the whole time he was at my house. I put Lilu in the bathroom while he was here, because Cooper isn't used to dogs, and Lilu, while gentle, is a pretty big dog to deal with if you are only three feet tall. Cooper kept asking me where Lilu was every 5 minutes or so, and reminding me that he didn't like her. I kept reassuring him that she was still in the bathroom and that he wouldn't even see her unless he wanted to. Then, when we were cleaning up, he changed his mind.

"I want to see Lilu" he said, "I like her"

"You DO?!"

"Yes" he nodded" I like Lilu, I want to see her"

I made Cooper sit on the couch, and let Lilu out of the bathroom. She was very good. She came to me and laid down and slowly, Cooper watched her, then came over to pet her and talk to her. I held onto her collar and made sure Cooper felt comfortable for about 10 min. Lilu never got out of the lie down position. Once I was sure Cooper was comfortable, I plugged the camera into the computer, downloaded the pictures, made a quick montage, and printed it out for him to take home along with the play dough. The whole afternoon took about 2 hours. It was just enough time. Cooper was ready to go home and see his mom about 5 min. before she got here with Eva

Myrna says that Cooper took that picture around with him everywhere for the next 2 days, showing everyone and telling him or her what we did. I called her a few days later just to talk over how things went, and he got on the phone to tell me that he loved the picture. I am having so much fun. It's going to take me awhile to get in swing with what a 2 year old can and can't do, but I'm loving it.

Myrna got to know Eva a little bit better too. One thing that she figured out fairly quickly, is that Eva is used to being held almost all of the time. Myrna wanted me to know that she will not be picking Eva up at every minute, and it may mean that Eva cries for 5 or even 10 minutes at a time. I think this is ok, as long as it's ok with Myrna. I know that maybe I spoil Eva. I'm of 2 minds about this. On the one hand, if you don't pick a child up every time they holler, they learn to become more independent, and they figure out things for themselves faster- things like moving and crawling, and how to entertain themselves. On the other hand, a child that is picked up a lot is a happy, secure child. And honestly, I love holding her and can't bear the sound of her unhappy� especially when I can pick her up and she beams that beatific smile at me. I do make an effort to put her on the floor for a play period, at least once a day. And I put her in her super saucer quite often. She sometimes even reaches for that, and plays with all her rattles and teething toys, making up games and babbling noises. I put the saucer right next to me and she seems very content there.

I think Eva will figure out after awhile that Myrna's place has different rules. She'll know Myrna as that woman that doesn't pick her up every time she cries, and this will be something new. I think this will be ok. Myrna said that once Eva figured that out, she was ok, and she even took a nap, but that there was definitely an unhappy point there for awhile.

Myrna also said she looks forward to feeding Eva. I left some breast milk for Eva And Myrna fed her that with some rice cereal. That I'm more firm with. I've accepted the reality of rice cereal, and that Eva seems to LOVE it� but I'm not ready to forge ahead into the world of real food yet� and when I am, I'm going to be pretty specific about which foods I introduce, and when. I want to make sure we give each new food a week all on it's own� and I need to do some more research on what foods make good first foods� I know rice cereal is good� I know veggies before fruits, and I don't know about wheat� but we'll see. She's growing so big, so fast.

Kristen (my boss) drove into town today and we spent the day walking around and generally hanging out. I'm trying to convince Kristen that there are interesting and beautiful people here in the city. She said I make a great advertisement for motherhood, that I make it seem very appealing. That's a pretty big compliment, it made my whole day.

September 10

 

 

Sept. 16,
We've been at the cabin in Iron Springs for a day now- we're staying til Wednesday. We invited Brandon, Kristen, and Jim to join us. It's been beyond wonderful to se Jim with Eva. This is the first time he's seen her. It's funny, but I feel like he's been right here with us every step along the way, and so it's a surprise that she's so new to him. He brought her a purple teletubby doll. That's the one that the religious right was so up in arms about a few years ago- they thought it was a gay rights symbol because it is a boy yet it carries a purse. Jim thought it apropos. It's also waterproof- a nice touch. I sat down with Jim and told him what Ken and I had been thinking about Eva's future� that in the event that anything ever happens to us, we'd like him to be her legal guardian, and raise her. I told him to go ahead and think about it, that he didn't have to give me an answer right away. I know it's a big, big responsibility. Jim said he didn't need to take any time, that he had given it a lot of thought, ever since I had asked him to be her godfather, and basically, he said yes. I think this is the right way to go. He said he hadn't wanted to interfere with any family that might have wanted the honor, and he thought there would be people standing in line to take care of this little girl� and god, we are SO lucky, he's right. But he's the one we choose.

Gram got a new puppy. It's a blond mutt with what looks like a lot of hound in him. She's named him Cinnamon. He's as old as Eva is. He's very, very cute. It's hard not to love a puppy. He's frisky, but he's already getting that calm look in his eyes that all of Gram's dogs always have. He's going to make a great dog.

I brought the placenta out with us. It's sitting in the freezer now. Gram suggested that I bury it in the flowerbed area. I think this will be good. I'll let it have some time to um, blend in with the earth here, and then next spring, I'll try to come out and buy a tree to plant on the ground. I have no idea what kind of tree (Gram suggested some kind of fruit tree, and that would be nice I think). The main thing is that I want a tree as old as Eva. It will be her tree, nourished by the same bio mess that nourished her. If I wait and plant it in the spring, Gram will be able to come out and water it, and tend it for me for that first summer.

Gram has been so great- she cooked us all breakfast this morning, and stew and dumplings for dinner tonight. Maybe we can cook something for her tomorrow.

I think everyone is having a good time. We all went climbing on big boulder. We left Eva with Gram and went the long but easy way up flat rock, then down through slippery slide, icebox, and out through Penny. I guess when I'd said we would be rock climbing, no one pictured crawling under rocks and between great huge boulders like we did. In Penny, there is a part where you kind of just have to let yourself fall for a little while. It's an act of faith. It can be a little scary, but it's also a thrill. It's about trusting and letting go. They all had a blast! We're going climbing again tomorrow morning, then hopefully, we can all get over to slide rock.

We're so near to Ernie in Flagstaff, I tried calling him tonight, but he wasn't there (go figure, on a Saturday night). It would be nice if we could manage to see him, but I didn't get around to calling him before I left, so we'll see. We're planning on bringing a picnic to slide rock. Gram offered to take care of Eva while we go, and I am tempted, but I didn't bring my breast pump, or a bottle, or any rice cereal, so she'd have no way to feed her, and we could be gone for as long as 6 hours, so I think Eva will just have to come with us� plus, honestly, I'm loving seeing her and Jim together.

Jim is leaving early on Monday. The rest of us are leaving sometime Tuesday. Gram said Ivy and some friends are driving up from LA and will be arriving early Tuesday morning. We may or may not see them, but in any case, they'll be getting out beds. They may score on foodstuff too- we went shopping today, and I think we bought more than we will be able to actually eat.

We went to Jerome today for lunch, and got back just in time for this colossal dinner Gram had made. While we were gone, she'd made 2 great big golden meringue pies- lemon and chocolate. Gram makes the best pies! After dinner, we all went for a walk around Iron Springs with Gram, to return some eggs she'd borrowed to make the pie, while we were in Jerome and shopping. The sky was full with a million stars. You could even see the Milky Way. We came back from the walk, and all sat out on the patio and watched the stars. Jim and Kristen each saw a shooting star. Brandon smoked a cigar and we all had ice water and hot cocoa. Eva talked and chirped and babbled and was generally loud and adorable. I am at the same time, taking her in stride and amazed at every little thing she does. She is wonderful. She was in that insane, manic place she gets right before she goes to sleep, so I thought I'd better call it a night. Kristen was ready to call it a night too, and Gram was ready for bed, so the boys made it a boy's night out, and Kristen and I are sitting here, on the porch, quietly writing in our journals. I am so glad we were able to make the time for this trip.

September 21,
Eva is 5 months old today. We got back from Arizona yesterday. I loved going but as always, it feels good to be home. I missed the moisture in the air. Eva smiled at everyone and was her usual charming self. I wish Carole could see her but I guess we'll just have to wait till Christmas. I think we're going to go out to Arizona after all. I had wanted to have Christmas here, but then I'd been hoping we'd have a house by now, and we chose to get a new car and my laptop instead. Grandma probably wouldn't have come anyway. Mom wants to have Christmas at their place next year. Maybe it's time we bit the bullet and did the east coast trip we're always talking about but never get around to.

Ken's parents house in nearly finished. We stopped by on the way home from the airport and walked through the skeleton. The boards are up but the walls haven't been completed. There sure is a lot of particleboard in that house. It looks like it's going to be really big and spacious. I'm so glad they are finally going to get a house. I know they were perfectly content with the condo for years, but I guess I just think everyone is happier with a home of their own- a real home with a yard and that you can do anything you want to with.

Lilu missed us. We came home, dropped all our bags in a pile, ordered Indian food and watch the Olympics (swimming and men's gymnastics). It's been years and years since I saw the Olympics. It really is impressive to see the beautiful bodies and the people that have worked so hard to refine them and hone their craft. You can't help but be impressed.

September 22,
I've been all mopey today and I don't know why. I just feel like sitting down and sobbing at any given moment. I'm going through my list of things that have a tendency to get me down, but there's nothing on the list really� The sky is a little overcast, but not so much so that it would have an effect. I thought Eva might have a little cold yesterday because she seemed cranky and she had a slight white coating on her tongue, but it seems to be gone today. She's sleeping a lot but I think it's ok- clothes that fit well last week are way too small this week. I figure all the sleeping she's doing today and yesterday are just growing in disguise.

Ken and I put the exercise plan on hold this week, maybe that's it. I haven't had a period in so long- maybe that is contributing to this sad feeling� which would be odd because you would think I'd be thinking "Harrah!" every month that goes by without the inconvenience� it's not like I miss them exactly, or anything, but� I don't know�. maybe I do.

Eva, Eva, Eva� everything in my life is her. It's by choice, and I love it. Just today though, I wish� something. I wish for solitude. I guess it's just melancholy.

I was reading though hipmama.com's message boards. I was looking to see if anyone had had anything like this weird white coating on Eva's tongue. One question on the board was "What/Who inspired you to breastfeed?" It's a pretty good question. It never occurred to me not to. Growing up, I always thought that breastfeeding would be one of the coolest things about being a mom. It's funny that our society uses images of bottles and pacifiers to represent babies and early motherhood� Eva won't touch either and to be honest, I have no desire to push either upon her�Breastfeeding was so much harder and more painful than I'd ever believed it could be, but it's been so worth it. I like that I am comfort to her. I love the way she feels when she's feeding. She is so obviously safe and content. She reaches out her hand and rubs it along my chest or my hand as she drifts off to sleep. Her instinctive attempt to comfort me is a sign of her own inner content. Mom always breastfed, and it surprised me that not everyone does. Hep was also really a great inspiration when it came to breastfeeding in public. She's so natural about it. I kept a mental image of her breastfeeding, in the first few months, whenever I'd breastfeed in public, until I felt more natural about it.

Moira called today. Kai is 8 months old already, and has started crawling around and even pulled himself up to a stand the other day. She said you couldn't imagine how much stuff they can get into and that you have to worry about everything. Moira's reading a book called "What to expect the first year" that gives lists of things to check for� chocking hazards, strangulation hazards, electrical hazards, etc� sometimes all three at once.


September 23,
We had the baby class reunion today. It was so wonderful to see all the couples from our class (save one that stayed home with an ear ache) and their babies. All babies turned out fantastic and beautiful. All the parents seem closer to me now- like somehow, even though we were strangers before, and even though we all went through this separately, somehow we also went through it together and now in some way, we are bonded. All the babies are taurus 2000 babies, which I think is very cool.

I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. Eva was so warm and snuggly against me. She loves to snuggle. Ken loves to snuggle. Between the two of them, I am warm and toasty every night, in a snuggle sandwich. Right before I drift off to sleep, or in the morning, right before Ken gets us all up, I have my baby against my belly, and my husband against my back, and the pillow is soft and the covers are deep, and I think to myself "life doesn't get much better than this". Ken moves in a sort of half sleep, snuggles closer to me if I move, and slips his arm around my middle. Eva rolls towards me and nuzzles in, reaching for my nipple with her little half open mouth� I can see her head against my arm by the light of the hallway, or the light of the sun as it rises in the morning� These are moments of perfection. If I had to choose a moment to live forever in, maybe it would be one of these.

 

 
Back to main journal         
Back to main images