February 4 ,
Eva is in my arms right now, sucking loudly, humming to herself, and kicking wildly with her toes. She is very tired. Her feet are so expressive. When she is happy, or amused, or angry, there are different kicks, different rhythms and speeds she uses to release some of that energy. It reminds me sometimes, of Kari (my best friend from high school). Kari's feet used to twitch when she was about to lose her temper. I used to get a kick out of watching her, when some poor guy was pissing her off. You didn't even have to hear what was being said, to know she was about to get postal� all you had to do was stay on the lookout for that ankle twitching back and forth, faster and faster. With Eva, it's happiness and mirth. Once, she accidentally kicked my mouse off of my desk. She watched me pick it up, and now, she aims to kick it off whenever she thinks of it. It drives me nuts in the most charming way.

Ken and I rented a Woody Allen movie tonight-"The Other Woman", made in 1988. It was incredible. It was about a woman in her early 50's, going through a mid-life crisis. She was a cold and intellectual woman, coming to the realization that her life was without passion or meaning. Only maybe that's not right. I really enjoyed it. I was thinking about my life, and wondering what I would miss or regret, or feel a sense of accomplishment about, when I am 50. There have been times in my life, when I let my passions drive me� and I don't regret those. There have been times when I held back, and maybe some of those I will come to regret, but who can tell� There have been times when I did what I thought was the smart thing to do, instead of following my heart, and looking back, am glad. You never know where the decisions you make will take you in life. I think I could have ignored my heart and passions, and lived my whole life in a self contained cocoon, afraid to venture out for fear of getting hurt or of being rejected. But on the other hand, there have been times in my life, where I went where my heart led me�. Moments of such intensity, that they bordered on chaos, with no way to control or predict, that gave me� I don't know� something explosive and of value beyond these few words, but that left me feeling drained, and faded quickly into nothing, like a sparkler lit on the fourth of July. At one point in the film, the woman had a dream about her first husband, who had committed suicide. He was sitting on a wooden chair, under a single bulb, surrounded by blackness. The scene reminded me of dreams I used to have, and of the sitting man in an invisible box, that sits in so many of Francis Bacon's paintings, only instead of screaming with his lower jaw unhinged, he was sitting quietly, smoking a cigarette, with his balding head in his hands, slumped over and tired. He talked to the woman about the regrets he had. Ken looked at me and said, "Who knows how I will feel when I am 50, but I can't believe I'll have regrets like that. I'll spent the next 20 years, living with the person I love most in the world". Sometimes, when Ken says stuff like that, I can't help looking at him with suspicion. Surely, words that slice right through to the core of me, that say so clearly the thing I want to hear most- he can't mean them, when they are so perfect�. But he does. I look into his eyes, and it's as if the floor is sinking, or the world deepening, and the love I feel for him gets longer, grows into nooks and crannies of dimensions I never knew were there before. Sometimes, I think my heart is like some deeply rooted thing that grows new tendrils towards Ken with every passing year. Even accounting for the roots that whither for want of nourishment, he keeps nurturing new ones, and my heart is so deeply entrenched in this system of roots, reaching out and out and out, that it feels permanently and forever held� and how wonderful to be anchored and to have a place in the world.